My confession is I have been caught up in the world of busyness! Which is something awful to realize. Sin is sin is sin... but when there's idolatry in your life you're putting a PERSON before God... and today I've realized I've put my TO DO LIST before God. Equal sins, but doesn't the latter seem so much more worthless and pitiful? But it's true.
I was never very popular in high school. Actually to be honest, I wasn't very popular in high school for the things that mattered. I wasn't most likely to succeed... I was the girl who got kicked out because she came to school wasted. I wasn't the girl with the best personality or the best attitude... I was the girl who slept around. Thank God (literally) that all His work He had been doing in my life finally crashed upon me when I was 19 years old. Anyways, so because of my infamous-ness, I think as I got older I started to create these never-ending to do lists. It made me feel important. I loved having no spare spaces in my planner (and when I say lovED, I'm meaning yesterday), because I felt needed.
But then I came to realize today that I have filled my life with lists and to do's with meaningless, money-grabbing, heart-aching, making my like stagnant decisions and plans. I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of chasing after money and things, instead of God's heart.
I'm tired of lusting after a pair of shoes at the mall, instead of taking REAL time to love my fiance.
I'm tired of building mounting credit card debt, instead of a growing relationship with my Heavenly Dad.
I'm tired of feeling satisfied and in control when I check off a minimal to do instead of feeling not in control, and enjoying it because I know He's got me.
I'm tired of the "what do you want to do tonight?" and the "oh, i don't know"s and then the plain nothing getting done, when life is tick tock-ing by.
I'm tired of spending time with people that belittle me or cause me to feel down about myself, instead of people that will just love me for...
...who I am.
I want to change these things.
Has anyone ever felt that way? That somewhere down the road they got off track with God and were too busy to look back and figure it out? That you feel tricked that Satan kept you busying working to buy stuff... and then made you work harder and longer because he then had you convinced that you needed stuff to put your stuff in (and so on)?! Satan is tricky. It's just a small step away from God, and then just on more little scoot, and then another small step, and the next thing you're making leaps and bounds in the wrong direction without knowing or even thinking about it!
When Walter and I met, we were on fire. Didn't miss a church service. Our first "date" was actually painting for my stage design team, and no one else showed up. So Walter and I sat there and did a 15 person job. Haha. It took us hours and hours (I think 6 or 7 actually) but we ENJOYED doing it. Now, we can barely convince ourselves to get up on go to service. I have been told that all Satan needs is a crack in the door. A small tiny crack of a sin deeply rooted in your life, and he can take over. Oh, how true that is.
But, at the moment, living together seemed like our only choice... and then of course we had to work more hours to pay for our new house... and then oh my gosh did we NEED that new kitchen table... and new couch... and big screen TV!... so then we had to work more... and get credit cards... and fight over who was in charge of paying those credit cards... we started screaming... I for sure wasn't going to listen, and neither was he... so we made our home a war zone instead of a HOME... and now I'm at that point wondering where it started and where it came from that typical "how did it go this far?!" feeling. Walter and I are stretched thin, the thinnest we have probably ever been, and we're getting married in 30something days.
Reminds me of the Lifehouse skit video. It was just one small step, and another that seemed like no big deal, and before you know it you forget how much God loves you, and you just want to end it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
God, I want you in my life. I want to be in your word. I have fallen further and further away.
Bring me back to our secret and safe place we had together.
